Metamorphosis (Chapter 27)

Grandpa and I didn’t talk much on the way to the hospital, but that changed when he finally parked outside the large white building covered in glass windows and surrounded by individuals walking in and out, some of which in wheelchairs. Grandpa sat back in his seat a minute, his brow furrowed and his moustache hiding his upper lip like it often did when he felt gruff or disgruntled.
“Chase…” He muttered. “…let’s get a few things straight before we go in there.” I looked up at him, curious as to where he was going. “This is all going to be on you from here on out. If you ever want your family to go back to a normal and functional lifestyle, you’re going to have to swallow that pride of yours and do what has to be done to make it that way…and that means forgiving your mother and father.”
“I know that.”
“No, you don’t.” Grandpa growled. “You think you do…and I know you want to. But I can tell in your tone of voice…I can tell by your response when I called you earlier. You’re not ready to forgive them, and you’re still angry.”
“I have a RIGHT to be angry.” I snapped.
“Yes you do. You have every right to be angry…but I want you to stop and think about the situation you’re in and the situation they are.”
“Oh sorry, I wasn’t aware either of them had swapped genders sporadically because of a dumb decision on my part.”
“Your parents made mistakes…but they also feel regret over them. They don’t know how to fix this problem and that’s why they broke down. You have the power to fix this…and when you walk into that hospital room, I want you to remember that, even though they might’ve made some clear mistakes, you are not a guiltless victim.” I sighed and crossed my arms over my chest and shook my head.
“I’ll try, Grandpa.”
“Chase, forgiveness isn’t always easy…but it’s up to you to show it. No one can make you, and no one can force you to show it or express it. But know this…your choice in that room will affect what happens for the rest of your life. I just hope the choice you make is one that you can live with.”

When we walked into the hospital room, I took a moment to just stare at Mom. She was laying in the hospital bed with bandages around her head and over her left eye. Her arm was in a sling and her right leg was wrapped in a cast. Her face had a scratch running down her lip which was stitched up. She looked terrible, and my heart ached for her…I said nothing though as I stepped into the room, but I couldn’t stop myself from gasping a bit. I didn’t realize she looked this bad.
Sitting at the chair on the other side of the room was Dad, who was just staring at the ground like a hunched over doll. There were bags under his eyes from lack of sleep, and I could faintly smell alcohol on him. His clothes were smelly too and dirty, like he’d neglected to shower or clean himself out of the stress and solitude. I could scarcely look at him. For a moment, my parents were seated and laying before me…and I could barely recognize them as my parents. When Mom saw me walk in, her face fell even more so and she looked away.
“Chase…” She croaked. Dad looked up too but said nothing, closing his eyes and turning his head away, ashamed to look at me. Grandpa walked in too and leaned against the door, closing it with his shoulder.
“I think it’s time you three had a talk. Chase has something to say.”
“Daddy stop…” Mom muttered. “I’m not ready…we-”
“Mom just shut up!” I snapped angrily. Mom fell silent on command. I then marched past Grandpa towards the center of the room so I was able to look at both Mom and Dad easily. “You know, I’ve had to put up with a lot since I turned into a girl. It’s sucked. Every day has been a total nightmare! I don’t like being in this body, and it’s a miracle to me that most girls don’t go absolutely insane putting up with some of the things they do!” I argued.
“Chase, I’m sorry th-”
“I’m not done, Dad!” I barked, quieting him down too. “You don’t know what the hell I’ve had to go through. But you know what’s been even worse? Going through it alone…and that’s been entirely my fault.” Mom and Dad both blinked a moment and looked back at me, as I could feel my own throat starting to lock up. Tears were building…and I had to struggle to hold them back.
“Yeah…this has been a horrible experience, I blamed you both for it…I distanced myself from you and tried so hard to avoid you that…that I didn’t realize what I was doing to you two. So I can blame you all I want for what happened to me…but the reason we’re here now is because of what I did. So for that…I am so sorry, Mom!”
“Sweetheart, you have nothing to apologize for! You didn’t ask for any of this.”
“She’s right, son.” Dad pointed out. “If anyone’s to blame it should be me! If I hadn’t-”
“This isn’t about turning into a girl, Dad!” I cried. “If anything…I’m glad this happened. Oh yeah, I hate being a girl but if this had never happened, I’d still be stuck in my lonely little corner, not knowing what a social life could be like and not having the courage to trust other people. As bitter as this pill was…I still had to swallow it.” I looked back at Grandpa, who gave a slow but encouraging nod. “Dad…Mom…I’m prepared to give up being a boy forever. I’ll stay a girl for the rest of my life if that’s what it takes…but please…please stay with me!”

My words acted like a mute button, cutting off even the sound of the air conditioner as Mom and Dad let my words sink in. I didn’t breathe another word until I saw Mom shift in her bed. I whispered gently, trying again to control my emotions.
“You kept treating me like the victim…and I kept playing the role. But I wasn’t guiltless. We all share the blame in this…and we all have to take responsibility. But please don’t leave me! Don’t run away from this…because doing that just throws it all on me, and I can’t live that way. I’d rather die!”
“Chase we wouldn’t ever do that to you!”
“But you have.” Grandpa chimed in. “You all have. When blame is thrown around, the mud will always splatter your boots. Isn’t that right, sweetie?” He asked, glancing at Mom with a raised eyebrow, causing her to blush like a reprimanded child. I’d laugh…but then again, I knew exactly how she felt.
“But we…we don’t know how to turn you back.” Dad replied.
“That doesn’t matter to me right now.” I interrupted, before Grandpa could speak, giving him a desperate glare. I didn’t want them to hear it…I didn’t want them to know about it yet. They wouldn’t believe it…and even if they did, what good would it do? If anything, it might just ruin everything; forcing fake emotions of connectivity to force a change. No…it would either be genuine, or not at all. “Dad, it doesn’t matter.”
“Son?”
“Like I said, I’m prepared to stay this way…but please don’t leave me to deal with it alone. I can live as a girl…but I can’t live without you guys.” I finally admitted, the tears rolling off my face and dripping to my shirt. I reached up and rubbed my eyes as I walked to Mom and touched her hand. Mom too was biting her lip and whimpering out tears of remorse.
“Oh…Oh Chase!” She reached out with her good arm and hugged me tightly, crying bitterly and painfully. “I am so sorry, baby…I was so selfish and…and I was wrong! You’re my baby boy and I forgot that.”
“It’s fine, Mom.” I sniffled.
“No it’s not! I’ll make it up to you! I’ll do everything I can to help you. I’m your mother…and I love you with all my heart, boy or girl!” I heard Dad approach and wrap his arms around us both. He smelt slightly of alcohol, but I ignored it, to accept his embrace.
“And I’m here for you both. I shouldn’t have gone behind your back…I shouldn’t have tried to fix what didn’t need fixing…I nearly destroyed this family I love so much. Now…now I’m going to hold it together again with you.”
“I love both of you…and I’m sorry I didn’t say it.” I finally whispered. “Can you forgive me?”
“Of course we can.” They both hiccuped, tears masking their voices slightly. “And will you forgive us?”
“I already have.” I laughed, holding onto them and the moment, as if it was the last we’d ever have.
I don’t know how long exactly we stood like that, holding onto each other, crying and apologizing for every wrong thing we’d ever done, but it must’ve been some time, because when I pulled away at last, the sun was setting. Grandpa hadn’t moved from his spot as he just watched. I looked to Mom and Dad who were still talking, making plans of some fashion for a family vacation…plans to fix the wrongs they’d done. I was going to stop them but, a cruise didn’t sound so bad. I stepped back a few paces and Mom and Dad both stopped to take notice.
“Chase? Are you alright?” Mom asked.
“I’m fine just…I’m just happy that you two are finally talking without arguing…heck…I’m glad you’re talking at all!” I giggled. Mom and Dad both glanced at each other and smiled.
“It feels like it’s been a while, huh?” Dad asked.

*knock knock*

A nurse stepped inside and looked between Dad and myself.
“Excuse me, but she needs her sleep.”
“I’ll stay with her.” Dad spoke up. “Son, you go home with your Grandpa.” I shook my head.
“I wanna stay too!”
“No…your mother and I still need to mend these wounds.” Dad sighed. “We’re thankful you forgive us…and we forgive each other, but…there’s a lot of ground to cover. And the first step…I’m going to be here for her tonight.” I started to protest, but I felt Grandpa’s hand meet my shoulder and I knew he was giving me permission to leave.
“I love you both.”
“We love you too, Chase.” Mom whispered.
“We’ll see you soon, son.” Dad winked. I grinned and followed Grandpa out, drying my eyes of tears. I must’ve looked a real mess, because people kept stopping to stare at me. Grandpa didn’t say a word to me and I didn’t say anything back on the car ride home. The ride was short, but my thoughts and my mental images ran wild and long in my mind. When we finally got home, I stumbled out of the car, leaning on Grandpa to help me get up the steps. I barely even saw them at this point.

“How do you feel, Chase? Are you alright? Grandpa finally asked.
“…Like I want to cry and dance at the same time.” I answered.
“About what you said back there…would you really be okay with staying a girl?” Grandpa asked.
“Yeah…” I replied slowly, carefully planning my words to respond. “What happened back there…it had nothing to do with turning back. I just…seeing Mom like that…smelling Dad and seeing how low he was. That…that was more painful than anything I’ve been through since this change. I wanted to cry just looking at them.”
“So you want to change back…you wanted save them?” He asked. I didn’t answer him. I didn’t have to. Grandpa gave me a warm hug as we walked into the den as I suddenly felt the tears return to me. I gripped his coat hard and trembled like a leaf in a gale as I buried my face in his shirt. “I’m so proud of you, Chase?”
“Grandpa…oh Grandpa, I’m so sorry for all of this.”
“Son, you’re okay…it’s alright now. You’re okay now. Shhhh.” He stroked my head and I didn’t care if anyone saw as I began to bawl right there in front of him like a weakling, the images of mom in that hospital bed, her body broken and her face etched with agony…the mental picture of Dad drowning in a beer bottle, blanke eyed and soulless like a zombie….and me just standing in the distance doing nothing with my back turned, with nothing more than an arrogant stance, with my nose turned upwards.….it haunted me. It terrified me.
“GRANDPA!!” I screamed, holding onto him like a life support. “I…ITS MY FAULT!”
“No Chase…no it’s okay. You did the right thing, tonight. You saved them…saved yourself…and your family.” I just cried…and I cried myself to my knees as Grandpa sank down and held onto me as I let it all out. I don’t even remember how long it was that I cried…but cry I did, until at long last, Grandpa escorted my exhausted and spent body upstairs and to my bed where he helped me down into the bed. I felt myself crash into sleep before my head even hit the pillow…and in my dreams of tears, I saw a light of hope where Mom and Dad stood happily, hand in hand…waiting for me to catch up to them. I sprinted for them…like I’d never done before.